whippedcream

Yesterday was my last day at work. A lot of shocked colleagues came around to my office to share some cake.

My wife and I have decided that I will stay home for a few months looking after the kids while she focuses on finding and settling in to a new job.

Do I feel still motivated? Kind of, I am still able to focus on my tasks but I feel a little uncertain about my priorities.

Do I feel liberated? Not yet. My mind still drifts back to seething anger than I felt towards my colleagues. I know it's utterly pointless and I have to put it behind me.

How do I achieve this? As usual my strategy is to go to basics. How is my health? Eating too much at times and I having been drinking daily for the last month. If I control that, hopefully my wandering mind to step back into line.

I still feel as motivated if not more than my last post. Every morning, I get up at 5 and begin organising my affairs. It's something I neglected for months and it feels so good to be on top of life again. I watch carefully what I consume, my sleep and physical fitness and my focus just seems to follow.

The strange thing is that I am not worried about the uncertaintly of my employment situtation. I have agreed with HR that I will leave early if I complete my tasks in time, so I am working full steam to achieve this by the end of August. After that, I have nothing planned. The world financial markets are callapsing as I type so I should be somewhat concerned. Instead I am riding the "I am in control of my life" buzz.

Best of all, the suppressed boiling anger I felt towards my colleagues is disipating as I approach the end. A few months ago, it used to dominate my mind to the point where I felt imprisoned by it.

It's amazing how fast my intense anguish has subsided. My team leader suggested I move in to the role of finance analyst instead of quitting the company. This is what I asked for last year but nothing is confirmed. The strong emotions of last week have been replaced by a profound indifference. It's just like coming to the end of another long contract - so what? My brain just wants to wander, avoid stress and is seeking any distraction. My goals have lost all importance and it seems I am in holiday mode. I forget to scientifically observe myself and slump down in my chair. If this goes on, I fear I either will slip in to depression and make some careless mistake which will lead to more self-whipping.

I have started a daily log where I rate myself and my surroundings on a scale of 1 to 5 where 1 is the best. Firstly, I rate the level of stress, then various forms of escapism.

Stress 3/5

Yesterday, I was seething at work due to some comments that were made. On the scale of life's shit-ometer, it was nothing compared to say, being told your child had cancer. However, it was bad enough that I could not focus on anything else and I had to walk out of the guy's office to avoid getting really angry. Inside I feel that I didn't handle it well, and that causes me more stress than the incident itself. 

Conscious negative escapism 1/5

... such as eating in order to distract my mind from its pain. It might work for 10 mins but after that I suffer feeling over-feed for hours after. It's a crazy choice and it's something I have decided to stop. Yesterday, I proud to give myself a 1.

Unconscious negative escapism 3/5

... liking biting my nails, slouching at my desk is much harder to tackle when I can't focus due to anger or some other intense emotion. This is the main reason why I am exploring mindfulness - to learn how to control my mind during times of stess. I want to free myself from being at the mercy of someone else's provocation.

My goal is to remain mindful throughout the day, no matter what happens. The question is – how do I remember to remain mindful – especially when I am busy or under stress?

This is blog is search for the answer, feel free to contribute ideas.