The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago The second best time is today
My work in Switzerland has finished and I am back at home and 100% free. Since having a family, this has happened only twice and both times scared me. I have communicated my availability to recruiters but have not taken any active steps to find employment. My goals at the moment are -
The first two goals are really goals forced on me due to previous lack of attention and effort. I look forward to the day when I spend more time on important activities rather than important and urgent activities. Routine administration and maintenance are important but it must be kept to minimum and outsourced as much as possible.
To achieve these goals, I adopted the following habits -
I constantly ask myself
So far I put most of my efforts into the first goal. Once the urgent issues are dealt with, I will attack the other two goals.
This time I am not going to give up.
day dreaming, reliving bad memories, self-pity, negative talk, idle media consumption, searching for distractions
Stand up and do another activity. Live in the present
A man becomes calm ...he ceases to fuss and fume and worry and grieve, and remains poised, steadfast, serene. - JAMES ALLEN
I have stuck to my promises made in my last post and I certainly have more energy and achieve much more with my time. I no longer struggle through the day feeling like a whipped donkey. It seems the more water I drink, the less sleep I need.
However, I began to fume and fuss about the past. Even after standing up to do something active, the mental torture continued.
In desperation I tried repeating positive affirmations such as, "be strong, be poised", "I radiate confidence and serenity". It works but I have repeat these constantly throughout the day. If I let my guard down, the negativity takes control again. But now, I can quickly detect the pattern and return rapidly to even keel.
I hear it said often - "I didn't want to get out of bed this morning". If you don't believe in the after-life like me, then what else have we got besides the dawn of a new day?
Over the last 4 months I have suffered mentally. I did all the essential things in life in same way a donkey pulls a cart when whipped. I made the minimum acceptable effort at work and kept relations good with colleagues. However, I over ate, did not sleep well, went thought day in dreamy brooding state. Most importantly - I didn't want to get out of bed in the mornings.
Thoughts of my failiure to settle in to a permanant job last year tortured me on almost an hourly basis. I would do almost anything to escape those thoughts . I wished I could go back to all those tense arguments and re-work my response. It was pointless but the pattern of thinking controlled and sapped all motivation from me.
Those thoughts are still with me but they are under control now.
About 2 weeks ago I resolved to do the following -
Sleep only 6 hours per night when in good health
Drink only 1 coffee per day, but keep topped up on water throughout the day
Never eat between meals.
Avoid drinking alcohol and never without invitation
When the mind wanders, stand up and do something active
and to continue the habits -
Physical fitness
Healthy eating
and when I catch negative thought patterns controlling my mind ...
Stop and go back to basics. If I am at home, then tidy up, play with the boys, drink some water, cook, prepare something. If I am at work, then do some programing, same hello to a colleague, practice German. Do anything to regain control of the helm of thought.
the search for excellence is on
Excellence can be obtained if you:
...care more than others think is wise;
...risk more than others think is safe;
...dream more than others think is practical;
...expect more than others think is possible.”
I beat myself up over something on almost an hourly basis.
I struggle to forgive myself because I accepted bad treatment and I did nothing about it. My ex-girlfriend, my ex-job, my ex-friend to name a few incidences. The one that really gets me is my ex-colleague. Why did I do nothing when he ripped me apart, for no good reason? in front of the team. I swallowed anger but it built up on me. It also encouraged others to act in a nasty way.
26/08/2012
9 moths later, this is still a challenge for me. I allowed myself to get angry and disheartened when there were plenty of more appropriate options available. Time to move on.
It all happened very quickly. About two weeks after quitting my job I received a call about a well paid contract in Switzerland. A week later we arrived. A month later, we are still settling in.
Am I pleased to have made the move? I can't answer, still trying to manage the "moving to a foreign country" hassles.
When I am alone, my brain wanders back over angry moments at my last job. How pointless - I have a todo list a mile long, why waste time thinking about the past? I successfully escaped that situation linked to my anger but the anger in my head followed me. It saps my focus while I am working or at home trying to organise my affairs. It interupts me while I am playing with the kids - and that must change.
I feel helpless, all I can do is plod on with my head down, waiting for the next unexpected problem to force itself in to my attention. I know all these issues will subside and I know I can deal with them. But how can I deal with the pointless anger that sufficates my mind?
Yesterday was my last day at work. A lot of shocked colleagues came around to my office to share some cake.
My wife and I have decided that I will stay home for a few months looking after the kids while she focuses on finding and settling in to a new job.
Do I feel still motivated? Kind of, I am still able to focus on my tasks but I feel a little uncertain about my priorities.
Do I feel liberated? Not yet. My mind still drifts back to seething anger than I felt towards my colleagues. I know it's utterly pointless and I have to put it behind me.
How do I achieve this? As usual my strategy is to go to basics. How is my health? Eating too much at times and I having been drinking daily for the last month. If I control that, hopefully my wandering mind to step back into line.
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